Weekly Photo Challenge: Joy

Weekly Photo Challenge: Joy

This pretty much sums up my entire year. I would never have enjoyed my 2013 without these two. These are my two greatest friends, and because of them, I managed to endure the year with a smile. There may have been a lot of ups and downs along the way, but it felt like there were mostly just ups with them around. They are my greatest source of joy, and I hope to spend more wonderful years with them.

This photo was taken on our last adventure of the year, last Dec. 17, 2013. At Tagaytay.

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Ninong Talk: “SMP”

Let’s tackle a certain matter that also managed to finally tick me off the way those lists from yesterday did. You see, a few years back, some fad rose and appealed to Filipino, especially the teens, called SMP, which originally meant Samahan ng Malamig ang Pasko (Cold Christmas Society, roughly), until several parodies surfaced later. It refers to the people who are single during the Christmas season, thus making their Christmas cold. And that’s it. That’s how stupid and corny it is, and yet it stuck. I have no idea why, my fellow Filipino teens do tend to bewilder me and piss me off at the same time quite often, you see. Now, I can’t exactly remember where this shit started, but my memory keeps focusing on a local Coca-Cola commercial every time I try to remember where it came from. I’m not really sure.

The problem is how it has affected the mindset of my fellow Filipinos, especially those around my age, since it surfaced. Suddenly, because of this SMP thing, getting a girlfriend/boyfriend became so important to everybody during Christmas, most of the time just to prove a point, that their Christmas season won’t be as cold as others. God knows how many SMP posts I saw on Facebook this season. This causes them to forget the true spirit of Christmas, which doesn’t really have anything to do with puppy love and petty bullshit. I feel so insulted that people would stoop down to a mentality this dense that this makes even beavers fucking smarter than them. It has now become something that they live by every fucking Christmas. That’s what fucking Valentine’s Day is for, dumbasses. I mean, seriously. It’s Jesus’s birthday. It’s Christmas. We’re celebrating the birth of Christ and the spirit of giving, and yet all you can think about is getting some trophy girlfriend/boyfriend just so your holidays won’t be so fucking cold, which really doesn’t make sense to me. It never made any sense to me when it first came out, and it still hasn’t made sense to me now. It just pisses me off so much that I want to talk to each and every one of you and tell you one by one to go fuck yourselves, you retarded pieces of shit. You’re one of the reasons our country can’t prosper and is still considered insignificant by others. You are all a disgrace to the Filipino culture. You are the retards of this generation. And for that, I fucking hate all of you.

Ang landi landi niyong mga putang ina kayo. In fact, SMP should mean Samahan ng Malalanding Pinoy, because fuck you, that’s why.

Ninong Talk: “SMP”

Ninong Talk: Crossing Out the List

From my point of view, alam kong tibo lang ako, masculine ako at lumaki akong ganito kaya kahit kailan hindi ko mararamdaman yung side ng babae when I’m in a relationship. But what I don’t understand is bakit ang daming shit ng mga babae tulad nitong post ni Anne Curtis, telling boys how they should treat their girlfriends? Sorry ha, I don’t intend to offend anybody, just hear me out. I mean, it’s all over Tumblr, Twitter, and most especially Facebook. Things like: hold my hand, kiss me in the rain, text me at 3AM and tell me you love me, and when I’m quiet, I want you to talk to me. Things like that. Gusto ko lang malaman kung bakit. Sorry, medyo napupuno na kasi ako eh.

First of all, men are aware of what most people call girl logic. It refers to this elusive characteristic of a girl to be unpredictable and most of the time, difficult to read. They’re, or we’re, aware that these are the things that simply make girls, girls. Ganyan kayo eh, and sometimes these qualities make you adorable. So we live with them, so we can show you how much we care. What I don’t understand is despite this, women still want more.

Second is the way you post these things. You post them on social media sites whether you have a boyfriend or not. I mean, you’re girls. Most of the time, boys can’t read all of these posts about how they should treat you, so they won’t be able to do anything about it. So instead of posting things like these, why don’t you tell them straight up how they want to treat you? This now leads to my next point: If you really love your man, why would you want more out of him? Why would you try to change him by making him do these things or at least making him feel obligated to? If he really loves you, he’ll show you his own way. He doesn’t have to feel like he has to follow a certain set of rules para lang pakiligin ka, kasi kung mahal mo talaga siya, isn’t he more than enough?

This is a fantasy. I think this list of things boyfriends should do for their girls to make her feel special were written by people who watch too many romance novels and films. Well here’s a reminder: life is not a movie. You’re never gonna date a superhero. I mean, even superheroes can’t do this shit.

Maybe may nakalimutan pa ‘kong sabihin dito, but I think I pointed out everything I wanted to. Now the reason I said all of these things is para matauhan din naman ang mga gumagawa ng ganitong mga listahan. Girls, simple lang naman ang gusto ng mga lalake galing sa inyo. May nakita na ba kayong lalake na nagpost ng ganitong kalokohan? May gumawa na ba ng list ng mga bagay na dapat gawin ng mga babae para sa mga boyfriend nila? Kung meron man, trip trip lang. Most of the time, ganito ang laman: make me a sandwich, buy me a PS4, do my laundry. But it’s all in good fun. I just want you girls to think about this for a second, and if you have a boyfriend, I want you to appreciate what and who he is. You really don’t need to change him.

There. I’ve said my piece.

Ninong Talk: Crossing Out the List

Delete Data?

As much as I love everything that went on this 25th of December, something terrible happened to me this evening.

You see, I’ve made it a habit to write daily notes about my behavior since early May this year. The reason is because at that point, my suspicions about having a mental disorder escalated significantly, and so I felt that it came down to me to try and fix myself by studying the things I felt daily by looking back at previous entries, at least until I find proper psychotherapy. It wasn’t such a hard thing, writing these private notes. Usually they’d just contain things like, “I felt angry today for some reason,” “my energy is abnormally low,” “I haven’t eaten much today,” and plenty other things like that. It wasn’t long before I started getting really into it and gave it more of my attention. It was starting to feel like a journal I knew I could maintain. In fact, I never missed a day writing. And the fact that it’s stored in my phone made it so much easier and more accessible, plus it was easier to hide since i contained a lot of things about my mental state that I found uncomfortable sharing with other people. I thought it was the perfect way to document my struggle. I managed to maintain the streak for exactly a hundred and fourteen days, until I bought a laptop and continued the journal from there.

Now, just because I decided to write on my laptop from then on didn’t mean I forgot about the ones on my phone. In fact, I kept numerous backups on my phone and even storage card so that if ever things go wrong, I can always recover them.

But this is where the problem presented itself. Today, I was checking stuff out on my phone when suddenly something went wrong. All of a sudden I couldn’t access the storage card anymore. Now you probably wouldn’t find a shitload of geek talk all that fun to read, so let’s just say I spent a good half hour trying to fix what I thought I needed to fix before finally giving up and accepting that it’s fucked. I managed to retrieve my messages and contacts, but what frustrated me is how I never got to back up my daily notes, which means they’re now gone forever, which is really frustrating. God knows how pissed off I am about it. I even felt like crying because everything for a hundred and fourteen days were there. It was no longer just about the things that I thought affected my mental health. All of my memories were archived there, both good and bad. And this isn’t a big deal simply because I’m very sentimental, but it’s also because it was really nice having things like that to look back to, especially when my mental disorder is affecting my memories and is making me forget a lot of things that I think I should remember, which I don’t think is normal for someone my age. This feels a bit ridiculous for me too, getting so worked up over lost data, but I felt like a part of me was lost too when I lost those entries.

Believe me, I’m still trying to calm myself down and find a silver lining in what’s happened as we speak. So far I came up with the following:

  1. It’s Christmas, after all. The New Year’s coming. Time for a clean slate, which means deleting this part of my life can do me some good since it keeps me attached to the past and now that it’s gone, the feeling of freedom actually surfaced.
  2. I’ve learned that despite how easy technology is making everything seem easier now, nothing beats old school writing on actual journals. I mean, losing digital information is just as easy as encoding them. Yes, they’re easier to manage, but with just one mistake, even the slightest, they can disappear in the blink of an eye. And when you’re really fucked, they’ll never be recovered.

Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever get those notes back, but now I have no choice but to accept the loss. I get the two things I should think about and I really should look at the brighter side, but I think it’s gonna take a while before I get over this. I can be ridiculously sentimental, after all. Still, I can’t help thinking that all of this is meant to happen. To teach me a lesson. I just can’t figure out what that lesson is yet.

Delete Data?