Life of Leaving Home by Yellowcard

I can see all the footsteps left behind
Every second I gave
Every song was a snapshot of my life
I needed something to say

Started out in the last slow motion scene
Watching everyone change
Made a map of a one-way road from here
Had no reason to stay

I am awake and alive
There is something calling me
More than a moment in time
It’s a dream I’m following
On my own
More than a moment in time
It’s a life of leaving home

Think of me when the stars come out tonight
Take a look at the sky
Never said that I could burn out that bright
But I needed to try

I am awake and alive
There is something calling me
More than a moment in time
It’s a dream I’m following
On my own
More than a moment in time
It’s a life of leaving home

The day that I found my voice
I knew that I had no choice
The only way I’d ever learn to love
Is if I found it
On my own

I am awake and alive
There is something calling me
More than a moment in time
It’s a dream I’m following
On my own
More than a moment in time
It’s a life of leaving home

More than a moment in time
It’s a life of leaving home

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Holy Shit

Holy Shit

Holy Week pretty much went by more quickly than most weeks I had to go through, probably because I slept through most of it. The first half, though, comprised of our Computer Engineering seniors’ two-day field trip to a lot of places in mostly Central Luzon, which I really can’t recall that well anymore since it has already been days since it happened. Still, I had a great time. It’s the last time my colleagues and I can hang out like that as students.

But what really kept bugging my mind this week is holy shit. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. And by that, I mean, “Holy shit, I’m gonna graduate.”

I mean, can you imagine me, Ram, the loudmouthed, brutally frank, poor excuse of a human being, going out and being an engineer and even aspiring to study law? Goddamn. I am in way over my head. I jacked off all throughout college and now they’re letting me leave. I can’t imagine doing anything else other than smoke, insult people, crack dirty jokes and just basically slack off. Well, that’s actually what I did during my internship and that worked pretty well for me.

But I just can’t believe it. Holy shit. If all goes well, I’m gonna graduate, and I’m so scared and excited at the same time. And I just can’t think of anything to say but, well…

Holy shit.

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Slight Delay

Okay, it turns out I won’t be able to blog about hell week today because I still have so much to do, and a big part of that involves studying for my law subject, which I almost failed last trimester. Now this is my second and last chance, so I am not allowed to screw this up. So what I’m gonna do today is study until my ass bleeds and actually make a responsible choice for my future for once. Hopefully I get motivated enough to work and I really hope everything pays off. 

Slight Delay

Daily Prompt: But No Cigar

I guess there have been a lot of instances in my life where I came thisclose to getting what I’ve been working for but didn’t. I hated how they all went, and I hated how they made me feel, but eventually I learned to accept what happened and move on until I either learn from them, or simply forget them. That’s actually one of the good things about me: I always forget. I really have no idea why I can never get things right. I always come so close, every single time, but mostly I just fail miserably. Is it because I didn’t work hard enough? Did I overlook certain flaws? Don’t I deserve it? I still don’t have the answers.

Mostly these involve personal matters, but the most recent incident was mostly about my internship applications, which totally bummed me out. Well, I’m not officially rejected yet, but I think I’m getting there considering how much I screwed up during the interview. Actually, that’s another thing I need to share here but right now I don’t have the time. This week has really been all about stress, disappointment, hardwork, anger, bipolar disorder, and all the negative shit you can possibly imagine. But maybe once I find the time this weekend, I’ll fill you in.

Daily Prompt: But No Cigar

Ninong Talk: Somewhere Only We Know

So last Monday was the beginning of enrollment week at school, and I got to spend time with my friends again, especially Meeku, whose company is always well-appreciated. In fact, because of him, that was the first time this year I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe. It’s only been ten days since I last got in touch with them, but it feels so long already, and I’m glad I got to spend my day well.

Meeku and I talked about a lot of things, as if we haven’t seen each other for years, and we also drifted to talking about the future, which I suppose is inevitable. We talked about what we could be, what we could do, what we can change. Living with our friends the same way Ted Mosby lives with his. And looking at something like the future, envisioned with them still in my life, it’s just a wonderful feeling. I feel like I can take on anything. It takes me to a world of limitless possibilities, like anything’s possible as long as I have them around.

Unfortunately, these things come with downsides too.

We talked about this trimester too, how there’s going to be many changes as well. Since Nin, Lloyd and I will be busy with our internship requirements this trimester, we won’t have as much time to spend with each other as we did before. Meeku will still be at school, attending classes, while we prepare for the future through training. This ultimately means that this trimester will also be the time given for us to prepare for what’s to come after graduation: separation. It’s hopefully not the kind of separation that’ll drive us all apart not just physically, but emotionally. I’m envisioning the kind that gives us our own individual lives to live, where instead of hanging out all day, every day like we used to, we now have to think of the things we have to think of, the bigger things, like our different ideas of the future, our own families to support, and the things we want out of life. I think about my future, and it just scares me.

My fear of the future involves my success, and I suppose that’s only natural because of how inexperienced I am in the professional world, and I know I shouldn’t really be possessing this fear because I hope to one day become a lawyer, but I just can’t shake it, especially since this is something that I have absolutely no experience in doing. I mean, I have the knowledge, but I don’t have the experience. Normally, trying out new things actually excite me instead of scaring me, but working is a different matter, especially since I have a lot of people who depend on me. I mean, my parents don’t actually put that much pressure on me but they expect me to get an above-average job to help in sustaining this family; the bigger things include how to handle my life right, and paying for my brother’s college tuition. My parents never actually said that I should do these things, but of course, it goes without saying that this is what parents want their children to do and what children are obligated to do for their parents, no matter how many times their parents say that their lives are up to them. But I don’t feel obligated to serve my family at all. I mean, after all my parents have done for me, the least I can do is pay them back by giving them the lives they’ve always wanted. I’m just feeling a lot of pressure regarding how to make all of it happen. I mean, thinking about it all just feels so heavy, I fear it could destroy me mentally, and I’m not even kidding. In fact, a lot of things in the past have already ruined me mentally so I know how fragile my mind can be. I just hope that thinking about all this wouldn’t push me to lose it all over again, because with everything that’s in store for me in the future, the last thing I need is a mental breakdown.

Another thing, and probably the biggest thing that scares me at the moment, is how my affection towards my friends is disturbing me. The thing is, while Meeku and I were talking about it today, the part that pained me the most is the fact that we’ll be starting to go our separate ways from this point on, and I need it to get ready for the separation. Well actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about getting ready for it since late last December, when I decided I should really get my shit together, starting by spending less time with Nin. To tell you the truth, I’m still not sure if that’s something I really want to do, but despite being in a good place with her, I still believe that some time apart from her will give me some clarity regarding how I really feel about her, because crazy as it is, until now I’m still not sure if I’m still in love with her. Hopefully, this will be the last time I’ll be asking for an answer, so I can finally reach an ultimatum and move on so I can focus on bigger things, like rising above my bipolar disorder, focusing on my career, and living my life without any emotional or mental baggage. Lord knows we all need to get on with our lives, and I really should be getting on with mine. The thing is, just the thought of doing so hurts me so much that I can’t bear it. And I just don’t understand because back in high school, I never felt this attached to my friends. Graduation and the thought of being separated from my friends never even stung me back then. In fact, I was glad everything was over, and I looked forward to the next chapter of my life. I was never scared. I felt as if I could take anything on, no matter what the future held for me. I never gave a rat’s ass what’s going to happen to me, all I knew was that I was going to make it, with or without anyone.

But look at me now. I’m not even sure if I’m really going to graduate this year, and yet here I am, being showered with sorrow by the fact that one of these days, I’m going to leave Meeku and Niña. We’ll be leaving, to set out and live our own lives. I mean, back in high school, I had Karina, Nicole, Mikee, Mary, Alianna and a lot of people that I really loved, but not once did I ever feel the way I’m feeling now. I also spent every single day with them for more than a year before graduation, and we told our secrets, shared difficult situations. Not once did separation and the sadness that came with it ever cross my mind, even during and after our graduation, so what I don’t understand is how I feel like I’m already losing a part of me when the last trimester hasn’t even started yet. As always, I’m getting ahead of myself again, predicting outcomes based on how I presently feel, but can you blame me? This shit’s pretty intense, and I really can’t imagine living in a world where I can’t laugh every single day of my life because of those two. I’m going to miss them terribly this trimester, and especially after graduation. Eventually I’m gonna have to learn to live without spending time with them every day, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget them. I hope that never happens.

I do hope that when the time comes and we all come back to the usual spot, where we always hang out, all three of us would still be the same. Of course, there will be improvements, hopefully, but I hope our friendship stays the same. I’m not exactly sure what the future holds for the three of us now, but I suppose while I still have the time, I want to spend as much time with them as I can because God knows it’s not gonna be long before we all leave. This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know? Like in the song. I really want this to happen, at least before I leave for good. Like, a last cigarette or a last drink to our friendship before my life as a student finally ends. This sounds weird coming from me, but they’re the siblings I never had, and I love them. They’re my whole world. I don’t ever want to drift away from them.

 

Ninong Talk: Somewhere Only We Know

Weekly Photo Challenge: Joy

Weekly Photo Challenge: Joy

This pretty much sums up my entire year. I would never have enjoyed my 2013 without these two. These are my two greatest friends, and because of them, I managed to endure the year with a smile. There may have been a lot of ups and downs along the way, but it felt like there were mostly just ups with them around. They are my greatest source of joy, and I hope to spend more wonderful years with them.

This photo was taken on our last adventure of the year, last Dec. 17, 2013. At Tagaytay.

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