So last Monday was the beginning of enrollment week at school, and I got to spend time with my friends again, especially Meeku, whose company is always well-appreciated. In fact, because of him, that was the first time this year I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe. It’s only been ten days since I last got in touch with them, but it feels so long already, and I’m glad I got to spend my day well.
Meeku and I talked about a lot of things, as if we haven’t seen each other for years, and we also drifted to talking about the future, which I suppose is inevitable. We talked about what we could be, what we could do, what we can change. Living with our friends the same way Ted Mosby lives with his. And looking at something like the future, envisioned with them still in my life, it’s just a wonderful feeling. I feel like I can take on anything. It takes me to a world of limitless possibilities, like anything’s possible as long as I have them around.
Unfortunately, these things come with downsides too.
We talked about this trimester too, how there’s going to be many changes as well. Since Nin, Lloyd and I will be busy with our internship requirements this trimester, we won’t have as much time to spend with each other as we did before. Meeku will still be at school, attending classes, while we prepare for the future through training. This ultimately means that this trimester will also be the time given for us to prepare for what’s to come after graduation: separation. It’s hopefully not the kind of separation that’ll drive us all apart not just physically, but emotionally. I’m envisioning the kind that gives us our own individual lives to live, where instead of hanging out all day, every day like we used to, we now have to think of the things we have to think of, the bigger things, like our different ideas of the future, our own families to support, and the things we want out of life. I think about my future, and it just scares me.
My fear of the future involves my success, and I suppose that’s only natural because of how inexperienced I am in the professional world, and I know I shouldn’t really be possessing this fear because I hope to one day become a lawyer, but I just can’t shake it, especially since this is something that I have absolutely no experience in doing. I mean, I have the knowledge, but I don’t have the experience. Normally, trying out new things actually excite me instead of scaring me, but working is a different matter, especially since I have a lot of people who depend on me. I mean, my parents don’t actually put that much pressure on me but they expect me to get an above-average job to help in sustaining this family; the bigger things include how to handle my life right, and paying for my brother’s college tuition. My parents never actually said that I should do these things, but of course, it goes without saying that this is what parents want their children to do and what children are obligated to do for their parents, no matter how many times their parents say that their lives are up to them. But I don’t feel obligated to serve my family at all. I mean, after all my parents have done for me, the least I can do is pay them back by giving them the lives they’ve always wanted. I’m just feeling a lot of pressure regarding how to make all of it happen. I mean, thinking about it all just feels so heavy, I fear it could destroy me mentally, and I’m not even kidding. In fact, a lot of things in the past have already ruined me mentally so I know how fragile my mind can be. I just hope that thinking about all this wouldn’t push me to lose it all over again, because with everything that’s in store for me in the future, the last thing I need is a mental breakdown.
Another thing, and probably the biggest thing that scares me at the moment, is how my affection towards my friends is disturbing me. The thing is, while Meeku and I were talking about it today, the part that pained me the most is the fact that we’ll be starting to go our separate ways from this point on, and I need it to get ready for the separation. Well actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about getting ready for it since late last December, when I decided I should really get my shit together, starting by spending less time with Nin. To tell you the truth, I’m still not sure if that’s something I really want to do, but despite being in a good place with her, I still believe that some time apart from her will give me some clarity regarding how I really feel about her, because crazy as it is, until now I’m still not sure if I’m still in love with her. Hopefully, this will be the last time I’ll be asking for an answer, so I can finally reach an ultimatum and move on so I can focus on bigger things, like rising above my bipolar disorder, focusing on my career, and living my life without any emotional or mental baggage. Lord knows we all need to get on with our lives, and I really should be getting on with mine. The thing is, just the thought of doing so hurts me so much that I can’t bear it. And I just don’t understand because back in high school, I never felt this attached to my friends. Graduation and the thought of being separated from my friends never even stung me back then. In fact, I was glad everything was over, and I looked forward to the next chapter of my life. I was never scared. I felt as if I could take anything on, no matter what the future held for me. I never gave a rat’s ass what’s going to happen to me, all I knew was that I was going to make it, with or without anyone.
But look at me now. I’m not even sure if I’m really going to graduate this year, and yet here I am, being showered with sorrow by the fact that one of these days, I’m going to leave Meeku and Niña. We’ll be leaving, to set out and live our own lives. I mean, back in high school, I had Karina, Nicole, Mikee, Mary, Alianna and a lot of people that I really loved, but not once did I ever feel the way I’m feeling now. I also spent every single day with them for more than a year before graduation, and we told our secrets, shared difficult situations. Not once did separation and the sadness that came with it ever cross my mind, even during and after our graduation, so what I don’t understand is how I feel like I’m already losing a part of me when the last trimester hasn’t even started yet. As always, I’m getting ahead of myself again, predicting outcomes based on how I presently feel, but can you blame me? This shit’s pretty intense, and I really can’t imagine living in a world where I can’t laugh every single day of my life because of those two. I’m going to miss them terribly this trimester, and especially after graduation. Eventually I’m gonna have to learn to live without spending time with them every day, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget them. I hope that never happens.
I do hope that when the time comes and we all come back to the usual spot, where we always hang out, all three of us would still be the same. Of course, there will be improvements, hopefully, but I hope our friendship stays the same. I’m not exactly sure what the future holds for the three of us now, but I suppose while I still have the time, I want to spend as much time with them as I can because God knows it’s not gonna be long before we all leave. This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know? Like in the song. I really want this to happen, at least before I leave for good. Like, a last cigarette or a last drink to our friendship before my life as a student finally ends. This sounds weird coming from me, but they’re the siblings I never had, and I love them. They’re my whole world. I don’t ever want to drift away from them.