As much as I love everything that went on this 25th of December, something terrible happened to me this evening.
You see, I’ve made it a habit to write daily notes about my behavior since early May this year. The reason is because at that point, my suspicions about having a mental disorder escalated significantly, and so I felt that it came down to me to try and fix myself by studying the things I felt daily by looking back at previous entries, at least until I find proper psychotherapy. It wasn’t such a hard thing, writing these private notes. Usually they’d just contain things like, “I felt angry today for some reason,” “my energy is abnormally low,” “I haven’t eaten much today,” and plenty other things like that. It wasn’t long before I started getting really into it and gave it more of my attention. It was starting to feel like a journal I knew I could maintain. In fact, I never missed a day writing. And the fact that it’s stored in my phone made it so much easier and more accessible, plus it was easier to hide since i contained a lot of things about my mental state that I found uncomfortable sharing with other people. I thought it was the perfect way to document my struggle. I managed to maintain the streak for exactly a hundred and fourteen days, until I bought a laptop and continued the journal from there.
Now, just because I decided to write on my laptop from then on didn’t mean I forgot about the ones on my phone. In fact, I kept numerous backups on my phone and even storage card so that if ever things go wrong, I can always recover them.
But this is where the problem presented itself. Today, I was checking stuff out on my phone when suddenly something went wrong. All of a sudden I couldn’t access the storage card anymore. Now you probably wouldn’t find a shitload of geek talk all that fun to read, so let’s just say I spent a good half hour trying to fix what I thought I needed to fix before finally giving up and accepting that it’s fucked. I managed to retrieve my messages and contacts, but what frustrated me is how I never got to back up my daily notes, which means they’re now gone forever, which is really frustrating. God knows how pissed off I am about it. I even felt like crying because everything for a hundred and fourteen days were there. It was no longer just about the things that I thought affected my mental health. All of my memories were archived there, both good and bad. And this isn’t a big deal simply because I’m very sentimental, but it’s also because it was really nice having things like that to look back to, especially when my mental disorder is affecting my memories and is making me forget a lot of things that I think I should remember, which I don’t think is normal for someone my age. This feels a bit ridiculous for me too, getting so worked up over lost data, but I felt like a part of me was lost too when I lost those entries.
Believe me, I’m still trying to calm myself down and find a silver lining in what’s happened as we speak. So far I came up with the following:
- It’s Christmas, after all. The New Year’s coming. Time for a clean slate, which means deleting this part of my life can do me some good since it keeps me attached to the past and now that it’s gone, the feeling of freedom actually surfaced.
- I’ve learned that despite how easy technology is making everything seem easier now, nothing beats old school writing on actual journals. I mean, losing digital information is just as easy as encoding them. Yes, they’re easier to manage, but with just one mistake, even the slightest, they can disappear in the blink of an eye. And when you’re really fucked, they’ll never be recovered.
Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever get those notes back, but now I have no choice but to accept the loss. I get the two things I should think about and I really should look at the brighter side, but I think it’s gonna take a while before I get over this. I can be ridiculously sentimental, after all. Still, I can’t help thinking that all of this is meant to happen. To teach me a lesson. I just can’t figure out what that lesson is yet.