Something came up on my news feed on Facebook, just a few minutes ago. It was a quote from Gossip Girl, which I may have forgotten because the show started sucking around its fifth season. Anyway, it goes like this:
You can’t choose who you love. But you can choose how you love them.
Now, I can’t tell if that quote is a Gossip Girl original or they just used it from somewhere else, but either way, it really spoke to me, because it made me feel like for once in my life, I’m actually doing something right.
You see, as pretty and as perfect as she may be, I never wanted to choose to love Nin because I am well aware of the fact that she’s out of my league, especially considering who I am. By the time I realized this, I was already aware of the fact that we can never choose the person we love. The first time this happened, my life became perfect, but I didn’t want to count on it repeating itself the second time around, especially with someone like Nin. I didn’t want to fall in love with her because I knew she can’t return the favor. Even if she did, it’d be a snowball’s chance in hell. I know it was terribly pessimistic of me, but that’s how I looked at the two of us. That’s the way I think, even now at times.
Still, as much as I tried to fight it, the universe kept pulling our paths together. We became best friends, then a little more, then a little less, and finally a whole lot more just recently. Being so close to her gave me the most amazing feeling, but at the same time, having her so close yet so far would sting me occasionally. Hell, it would sting me every single day, knowing I can tell her how I feel but choosing not to because I already knew what was going to happen, and I didn’t want to compromise everything we’ve already become. But as always, I reached the point where I really couldn’t take it anymore. Last January, I even managed to muster up my courage because I knew I had to tell her I love her despite already knowing the imminent outcome, just so I can have some closure, and I can finally release the feeling I’ve been keeping in for so long. It was great, finally letting it all out, but just as i had anticipated, she rejected me, telling me she didn’t want to ruin our friendship, that the most she can possibly think of me is as a friend. As much as I expected this kind of response from her, I guess part of me kind of hoped that she could prove me wrong, which explains why I cried a lot on my way home that night. Still, we were both good sports, and we agreed that it wouldn’t change anything, but it wasn’t long before things started getting awkward, which is inevitable, I suppose, but it was still a great challenge considering how much I love her and how much she didn’t love me. I never thought unrequited love would hurt so terribly. I mean, I used to laugh at people’s faces when they get rejected. That incident taught me how terrible it felt. And it took me a while to realize it, but it actually made me so much stronger.
The days, weeks, months that followed were difficult for me emotionally because even after my confession, I still had to spend every single day with her. It’s a privilege that never have been given to me because I thought it was too good to be true, but another thing that made me love her more is the fact that she was so cool about the whole thing that she still enjoys my company, despite having awkward episodes every now and then. Still, I considered it a huge blessing that she remained a huge part of my life. And while numerous challenges were tackled along our way, I’m glad she still remains with me, as my best friend, as the little sister I never had.
Now about a month or two ago, I finally admitted to Meeku that I’m finally over my romantic feelings for Nin, even though I’m not a hundred percent sure yet, but then I got to thinking. If you watch How I Met Your Mother, then you’re probably familiar with the way Ted still loves Robin even after eight years. But that doesn’t mean he’ll get her in the end. He knows his place, and he’ll always love her his own way. Maybe I’ll be like him. Maybe I’m never gonna be sure. Maybe I’m never gonna get over her. Maybe I’ll always be in love with her the way Ted loves Robin. Maybe I’ll never know the answer.
But there’s one thing I know for sure. I never chose to love Nin, but I chose to love her in my own way, in a way where it benefits the both of us. I’ll always love her, but now I love her as the sister I never had, and I will always be there for her. That’s what I chose to do, and with every pain that comes with it, I’ll bear it all as long as I get to keep her in my life, because she’s the love of my life. I have never fallen so hard for anybody, and it’s an honor to have my heart broken and put back together by her. It’s not everyday you get to find and keep someone like her, so I consider myself immensely blessed and eternally grateful, because she’s my blessing. She brings out the best in me, she gives me direction, and she’s the source of the happiness I feel every day.
This is my first lesson of the year. I’m more than satisfied with where I stand in her life right now, and I hope we can be friends for a really long time.